Little Miss Saving-the-World

Changing the way we think in order to change the world

 

growing up March 14, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — LittleMissSavingTheWorld @ 1:50 pm
 
 

The best and the worst

Filed under: Uncategorized — LittleMissSavingTheWorld @ 1:40 pm

I know it was the right choice for me to make- beyond a shadow of a doubt it was the most difficult choice I’ve ever made but it was right for me, right for us. He’s the most beautiful person I have met, gorgeous beyond words but the timing was off, the compassion and the love were real but there were some differences that couldn’t be healed by time. Ultimately I needed my space to make my own choices and I truly hope we both find what we’re looking for- for me I just want to be happy with myself.

I made a 68% on a test I should have aced but that’s assuming I studied enough, instead I used my clogged, numb, unfeeling brain to watch Girls for three hours last night while simultaneously studying. The result was a grade I probably deserved but would like to think I didn’t. The truth is I have yet to do my grand collapse in pain and sadness. The big breakup breakdown I suppose, I’ve just kind of been avoiding it altogether… but i lost a best friend. I know I’ll call back and I’ll hope we can still talk. I’ll hope we can be okay but never the way we were- it shouldn’t be , it hurts. it’s supposed to be different and I knew that but the feelings still feel like someone is clawing through my soul with their newly sharpened nails.

I went from someone wanting to know EVEryTHING about my day to no one really wondering… the freedom is nice and lovely and the loneliness is what I wanted but it’s so lonely. It was the aloneness I was looking for but rather I’m still sad obviously it’s only been a week. It’s just this process of grieving that needs to take place and I will let it… I just can’t fail next week’s exams as well and everyone else is in my head.

Should probably just listen to myself instead….

 
 

The Fickle Finger of Fate March 9, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — LittleMissSavingTheWorld @ 10:30 pm

I lost a friend on purpose… Perhaps the better way to put it is I lost two friends- both were the lovers and partners I always wanted but ultimately my untimely journey ended with me having neither.

I met the first when I was 14- he was my everything… my best friend, my first and the kindest, most compassionate individual I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. We spent every waking moment hoping for a forever story- a fairytale we were sure we could manage, we were sure we could succeed. Love is pretty miraculous that way… it consumes you and makes you feel like you could handle whatever the universe could bring you… I still love him. After all the surprises and 8 years of happiness how could I not? But the fact of the matter was that in being so incredibly and voluntarily and lovingly consumed- I was missing someone else entirely…

This girl I was becoming was pretty amazing but she was mad and sad and hurt… I was leaving her behind in the struggle for love and a journey on a path I was determined to be on. It was a soft, cozy, loving path. But as I kept walking I think I lost my shoes and the calluses on my feet were getting harder and yet breaking simultaneously. There was blood on the path and it was no one’s fault but my own. I covered the path with new sand and lavender scents and jumped into the love I wanted SO badly. He never knew and I wanted to keep it that way.

This dream we kept along for so long was falling away and so was I. I clung with every ounce of my breath but this girl in the mirror- she kept screaming and yelling and clawing at my insides like I had abandoned her completely. The love I felt for him and he for me couldn’t stop her from scratching, from burning me and from killing my insides as a person.

I lost 2 best friends and now I’m trying to get the last one back in hopes to find the first one again. I don’t know how and I don’t know when and I don’t know if things will ever be the same… I’m scared and I’m lost and I know he is too… But I’m sending good vibes and happiness your way sweetheart…Stay strong…